Fighting Depression

Unfortunately depression has somehow been a part of my life ever since I was around 10, luckily my parents and family have always been understanding with the matter and totally supportive of seeking outside help.

I had a pretty bad case of depression my Senior year of high school and tried many anti depressants and felt that they were just making me feel numb so believe it or not at the age of 16 I was prescribed xanax and not just some xanax, I was prescribed a huge 90 day bottle that said I could take up to 3 a day whenever I felt the need and I was given complete freedom to decide when that was. What was even crazier was I never abused them. I found them completely useful and enjoyed the control I had to take something whenever I felt a little blue and it perked me right up. Once I got into college I felt like I could handle problems a lot better so I stopped taking the prescription and haven’t had that much of an issue with depression since.

Until Riley.

I find myself needing to fight 10x harder to beat depression now.

I went to a random OB/GYN 2 weeks after Riley passed because I never wanted to walk back into the office that handled her care. Adam and my Mom had to go back to work so essentially this was my first day out of my house in about 4 weeks and it was by myself, I should have been more adamant that someone go with me but it was time for life to move on considering it was going on with or without me.

At the appointment I had to explain to the nurse why I was there and give her a form that the doctor that delivered Riley requested to have sent back, on the form it included a urine sample and an all over exam, I anxiously waited for the doctor and when she came in she was all dolled up with huge blonde curls, it was just another reminder of how awful I looked at the time. She sat down and asked how I was doing and I immediately broke down. I was miserable. With everyone back at work it felt like they were ready to move on and I just wanted everyone to stop everything they were doing and be as mad and upset as I was. I went on to tell her how incredibly hard it has been to get over her not being here and after it all she said “I know it probably sucks but all I can do is give you happy pills if you want them.” I knew in an instant that I could either climb down deep into this hole of sadness and depression or I could fight it. So I told her no, dried my tears, left the office, got in my car, and called Adam bawling in pain from my emptiness but also my disgust with what I was told by the doctor and how she didn’t do anything the form said. I cried and cried to Adam telling him he had to come home but he kept reminding me that he couldn’t because it was time for him to be back at work and we had a house payment to be made along with many medical bills headed our way so I drove home.

I’m not really sure if their was one specific moment but I do remember one afternoon I told Adam I was leaving to run to the store, when really I was just going for a drive so I could turn my music up and scream and cry as loud as I wanted to, and after I was done with my initial cry I realized that losing Riley only hurt because of how much love and how many dreams I had planned for her. As hard as all the emotions were to feel I realized that these were emotions Riley would never get to see or feel and how lucky I was to love something so much that it could cause this much pain. Suddenly everything became more beautiful and I decided I was going to take in every ounce of pain, grief, sorrow, joy, fear, laughter that came along with Riley passing because it was meant to be felt and trying to hide it or deny the time it took to feel all the stages of grief would be wrong, my healing would forever stay where it was at and I would slap a piece of tape and fake smile over the situation and live the rest of my life a lie.

Pain has turned into beauty for me. I feel it took me looking at the worst parts of my pregnancy and the death of Riley to remember and really enjoy all the amazing parts about her life and the continuous gifts I still get from her.

Don’t get me wrong I still have random days where pretty much the second my eyes open in the morning I know it’s a day where I’m really depressed but almost every time that happens I accept it and have a bad day. I cry, eat all the chocolate in a 30 mile radius, hold Rileys bear, look at all her ultrasounds and my pregnancy pictures, ask Adam ten million times if he misses Riley and if he’s excited for another baby, ignore everyone’s calls or texts,  stay in bed, make up an excuse to get takeout for dinner, and then I go to sleep and wake up feeling great. The times I try to shove my depression in the corner is when it hits me a few hours later while I’m in Target and I see a trigger, which really could be anything, and either have a breakdown in the bathroom or my car and then I feel defeated and I feel like my depression lingers for days or weeks.

This method has really worked for me and has helped me stay in a positive state of mind.
More recently my depression has been centered around the idea of it being like this forever. I will forever wonder what type of person she will be. I will forever wish I just had one more day. I will forever wish I didn’t have to learn to cope with depression so intensely. I get really upset thinking one day I could be 90 years old looking at a Christmas tree reminiscing on Adam and I decorating our first tree together with my big belly filled with a healthy Riley sharing how excited we were to have a baby join us in the holiday festivities the next year and how every holiday and day will be a little dark and dim since she never got to be here. How there will always be a little hole in my heart that will feel like something is missing that can never be filled until I am taken from this world and reunited with her.

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Facing Grief

I never really lost anyone in my life prior to Riley. I lost a dog when I was in 2nd grade, my great-grandpa around 4th grade, and my great-grandma a couple years ago. Don’t get me wrong I was clearly devastated by their deaths, but I felt they all lived happy long lives and it was okay for them to be gone.

My husband lost his Mom his Freshman year of high school. I knew of him at the time and felt sorry for him. Once we became close and eventually dating I almost couldn’t fathom how he was able to move on from his Mom passing. Every time I got to do anything with my Mom I had that feeling of pain for him that he didn’t have that. I remember crying at graduation because I was leaving the school my Mom worked at and then realized that his Mom didn’t even get to physically be at his graduation and my crying was almost ridiculous. I have seen him have a few hard moments dealing with the grief and loss of his Mother but he is usually pretty strong about the whole situation.

Losing Riley felt like the floor dropping out from underneath me, I was just falling and there was nothing to grab onto to stop me no matter how hard I tried and the light just kept getting farther and farther away. As much as I wanted to move on, I couldn’t. My relationship with everyone, especially Adam, was also falling apart.

As supportive as Adam was and as united as we were throughout the whole experience, nothing could prepare our relationship for the blow it just took. Adam was okay with being upset with it for awhile, but when bills had to be paid and a “regular” life was ready for him, he was ready for it, while I was prepared to just crawl in a hole the rest of my life and just watch life go by. The happier and stronger he got, the further we grew apart. The constant pep talks he had to give me turned into a full time job for him and I was so frustrated that he didn’t want to crawl into the hole of depression with me. After reading everything I could and talking to friends about it, I realized that just because Adam didn’t shut down over Riley, didn’t mean he didn’t miss her. I was missing this child that I felt inside of me, I was missing this whole life I planned with this person, while Adam was missing just the thought of a child. In my mind I was a Mother the day that test said positive and that moment wasn’t there for him yet. My first priority was saving my child while his was saving me, it was beautiful and ugly all at the same time.

The relationship with my Mom also changed. I know knew what it meant when she would tell me over and over again, “You will never know the amount of love I have for you until you have your own child”. Her grieving was in a weird place, her first priority was making sure I was okay. I had to go through many tests and medical procedures that I either had to be alone for or I chose to have Adam with me. When things went South she basically became my personal assistant, calling all the doctors, making appointments, sending results to other doctors, communicating with my Dad and other family members, making sure my house was clean, feeding Adam and I, all while she was worried about my health but also losing her granddaughter. Once the madness of it all settled is when I was healing but she broke. I finally decided I needed to be positive and it was like it was just hitting her that Riley was gone. As much as I wanted to be there for here, I was terrified I would go backwards in my grieving. One night while we were in the gym walking on the treadmill next to each other, she made the comment about how she would love to go on a vacation but now doesn’t know when that will be because she spent a lot of money making sure I was okay and used all her vacation time to be at appointments. It took all I had to not snap. Was she wanting me to apologize that my child had a rare brain abnormality?? Was I supposed to be sorry for someone else that MY child died? I went home almost in tears from the frustration, when all the sudden, it hit me. This is what I did to her when she had Breast Cancer. I used to get so irritated with her that she missed something of mine because she had surgery. I would get so irritated that everyone always asked how she was when I was basically drowning in feelings. The next day I saw her I finally got to say sorry, 10 years late, but it seemed to help. I told her that I know she’s not meaning any harm when she says things like that and that I understood how frustrated she was. As much as I loved Riley, after she passed my life was a mess and it was so easy to just look to blame someone for it and obviously Riley was the easiest. The issue was I took what happened to Riley as my fault and it was a huge part of my healing realizing that it was out of my control, no matter what I did in life, all of our genetics test, DNA tests, and other scans all showed it was a one in a million fluke, just like my mom’s cancer.

So at one month in my healing I learned:

Good things happen to good people and bad things happen to good people

Adam and my family loved me no matter what

Adam grieved very differently than me

It’s never too late to say sorry

and that It’s okay to be selfish and just focus on yourself for awhile

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Riley Bear

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This is the bear that holds a gold heart with Rileys ashes in it. I made it at Build A Bear with Adam, my mom, and dad. We made it while I was still carrying her.
When I was a child and made a bear the cute sayings the employees said meant something completely different.
“Pick a heart to give it all your love”
“Give it a big hug so it always feels safe”
“Warm the heart in your hand and give it a big kiss so it knows how much it’s forever loved”
Basically after the employees first word I was instantly bawling. Those were all things I wanted to do to Riley for the rest of my life, not some stuffed bear.
Luckily the store and most of the mall was empty so my weaping didn’t cause too much of a scene, but I’m sure we got looks all the way to the car.
Adam holding the little box house the bear came in in his left hand, his right arm around me while I just bawled into his shoulder, with my parents walking behind us.
Once we got home my mom found a coworker that offered to help us sew up the bear so it could hold the ashes. My mom took the bear in its little house and a few days later it came back with velcro down the back. When opened there is a little white satin pocket area where the heart settles perfectly. It was a big step to go from having the gold heart sitting on my nightstand to moving it into the bear, that still sits on my nightstand so it’s close whenever I need it.
I’m so glad we chose this option for her ashes. I think if I would have buried her I would have had constant worry that she wasn’t with me under the same roof, if a storm came I would be in a panic that she was out there in the cold all alone. I just couldn’t do it. I also thought that instead of an awkward urn that we would have to attempt to blend into our home decor, that the bear was much more welcoming. I have dreams that one day we will have other kids that I will get to sit down and introduce them to Riley Bear and they will know that whenever they have a tough day Riley is there to listen and comfort them.
Riley Bear will forever be apart of our life. If we go to visit our family for a weekend, she comes with. During the wedding week she stayed with us in our room and the wedding night with my mom. On our honeymoon she stayed with my mom for the week. When she rides in the car we are careful with the way she lays so it’s not just like she is tossed on the ground. We always have the joke of saying “who has Riley Bear?” And we get a good laugh when someone replies “Riley is in my bag or on the bed” I guess we are pretty lucky considering most parents can’t leave their kids alone for 5 seconds ha

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January 22nd, 2015

Riley Renee Millington passed on January 22nd, 2015.

Exactly 5 months after I found out I was pregnant, I delivered her the day she passed. Labor was intensely painful since I couldn’t have an epidural, but nothing compares to the physical pain I had for the next month of pure heart break.

My body physically hurt from the amount of crying I was doing. My stomach felt empty. Something was missing that would never be filled again. I have never cried so hard in my life. To the point of being unable to breathe from being so worked up. My body would just collapse on me at anytime the emotional pain hit me.

Adam stayed home with me for 2 weeks, it finally got to the point that I didn’t have to be in the same room as him at all times so he tried to go to work. He was up the road not even a mile when I called him having a panic attack and that he needed to come home. The next day he got to work and turned right around to come home because he just couldn’t do it. We were at rock bottom. The thought of life moving on without her was unbearable. The fact that everyone else in the world was still going to work, laughing, and doing everyday tasks was unbelievable to me. I just lost my baby, my child, how could life go on?

The only memories I have are of her kicks, that I still feel everyday, her ultrasounds and pictures of her after she was born where she looks identical to Adam, a golden heart that holds her tiny amount of ashes, and a pink bear that gets to hold her safe forever since I don’t get to hold her in my arms.

Any moment I felt of happiness instantly turned to guilt, there is nothing to be happy about since she isn’t here. For about two months I layed in bed just crying and holding her bear. Life was so dull and plain and there was no chance of it ever getting better. Everyone told me with time it would get easier but I couldn’t even imagine a time in my life where missing her would hurt any less.

I didn’t even know where to start picking up the pieces. Should I start with trying to love myself again, should I pack up all of the things we bought for her, should I start working on a scrapbook for her, should I focus on my relationship with Adam, should I try to connect with friends again, should I get a new hobby? Nothing seemed desirable, the only thing I wanted to do was miss her.

High-Risk Pregnancy

We showed up to the High- Risk Doctor as fast as we could on Christmas Eve. We sat in the waiting room for forever watching all the people with scheduled appointments go back. After chugging multiple bottles of water and peeing multiple times, I was called back.

My previous doctor was correct. There machines were much nicer and the tech was much more experienced and educated. For about an hour she showed us every inch of Riley. Her ten little toes, 10 tiny fingers, we got to see multiple yawns, sweet little swallows, and lots of kicks. It was the coolest thing I have ever seen. I loved seeing it all, the tech was so nice. I felt at ease and like she was in no rush so everything had to be okay. She left us to wait for the head doctor to be free and show her the pictures she got. After about an hour the doctor came in and started doing her own ultrasound. Her scan was a lot more painful. She was pushing very hard on my stomach trying to get a good picture, I noticed she was focusing on her brain. She was pushing a million buttons while pressing hard. She would poke my belly trying to get her to move. She then brought me snacks and a juice and asked me to jump around and walk around to try to get her to move. I did everything I could within 30 minutes. She came back and tried moving the table in crazy shapes, I had my feet in the air and my head near the ground, on all fours, tried laying on both sides, standing, anything she could think of. Finally after an hour she said she is going to go look at the pictures but she is pretty confident we will have to come back in a couple weeks to get a better picture.

I got dressed and we got moved to a conference room. It was just a circle table, 4 chairs, a phone, and 2 boxes of tissues. After about 20 minutes the doctor came in with another lady that she introduced as the Genetics Counselor. She started drawing a picture and started describing this little box that connects the two sides of the brain. She went on to tell us that one of 3 things was going on 1. due to her position under my belly button they couldn’t see it 2. She was just developing the piece late in pregnancy which happens in some rare cases or 3. she just wasn’t forming it at all. She also mentioned multiple things in her brain that were either absent or misshapen and were not forming properly.

I think I was in shock. I just sat there nodding my head saying okay until I looked over at Adam and I saw tears running down his face. I immediately broke down.

This precious and perfect life possibly wasn’t going to be that at all. All the dreams and hopes I had for this child were hanging on by a thread.

And tomorrow was Christmas, and the next 2 weeks until our next appointment was filled with being around people. Everyone wanting to talk about the baby, feel my belly, while I put on a fake smile and tried so hard to regain my innocence I had of a happy pregnancy back. Adam and I opened our Christmas gifts in private so we could break down if need be. I got Adam a funny book on being a Dad with Red Sox onsies and Adam got me a book on baby sign language. I looked through every page of the book, front to back for hours. I finally broke, what if Riley gets here and is mentally delayed. My dream of baby sign language, dancing, communicating, watching her graduate preschool, kindergarten, middle school, high school, college, and whatever else all changed. I had to face the fact that if Riley was born into this world she would not be “normal”. Her life would be one challenge after another and it would be my job to navigate it all with her.

I continuously cried to Adam about how unfair this was he kept reminding me that they didn’t know 100% what was wrong, so as far as we knew, she was completely healthy.

The 2 weeks went by quickly since we were so busy. I felt her kicking and moving so I was positive she was in a new position and we would get the perfect shot of her completely healthy brain. In my mind, I was so determined to have a healthy baby that I just couldn’t imagine her any other way. I tried to stay positive and just daydream about them telling us that they saw everything wrong and she actually is 100% normal.

On January 8th, 2015 after another 4 hour appointment filled with crazy positions, painful scanning, jumping around, and walking in circles, we met back in the same room with the circle table. The results were worse.

She was missing large parts of her brain, what was there was in the wrong place, or misshapen. They were confident she was blind and unsure what other senses she would be missing. They said she was almost in constant pain due to her body still fighting so hard to make a full brain. Parts of her brain were dying off and overtime creating toxins that were shutting down other parts of her body and possibly passing into my uterus and blood stream. If she was to make it to full-term there would be no possibility for survival outside of the womb. We were told that most babies with this condition don’t make it past a few weeks because the mothers body will naturally miscarry knowing the baby is not viable, but that Riley was a fighter.

My dream was gone. My body failed my daughter, my boyfriend, and myself. I felt like I could no longer love myself. My soul was trapped in this body that betrayed me in the deepest way possible.

I got sent to the hospital to get steroid injections to try to help Riley to grow so it wasn’t taking so much out of me. I remember sitting on the bed waiting for the nurse and looking over at Adam. He was trying to hide his tears. I thought our relationship was over for good after everything would be done.

The nurse came in and asked our babies name, I told her proudly Riley Renee Millington. Explaining that Riley has been my dream baby name since I was a little girl and Renee was her grandma’s (Adams mom who passed away in 2007) middle name. She let us know that girls with the name Riley are always the sweetest. I wished so badly that I would get to physically see her be sweet. I wished so badly I would get to see her as a toddler help a friend up after they have fallen but I knew I would never get that.

I would never get a lot of things. I would never get to explain to her where her middle name comes from. I would never get to see her have a temper tantrum just like I did when I was little. I would never get to be exhausted from sleep because she stayed up all night crying. I would never watch her fall in love and get her heart broken. I would never watch her dance with her Daddy. I would never watch her walk down the isle on her wedding day. I would never watch her have her own children.

As we waited for her to pass I constantly cried to Adam wishing I just had one more day of pure bliss pregnancy happiness. I missed so badly the innocence of thinking nothing could go wrong. I missed all the crazy pregnancy dreams I had where she looked so beautiful and healthy. I watched as everyone else continued to post pictures of there baby bellies while I didn’t leave the house because I was terrified of someone asking in public how far along I was. I continued to take prenatals even though it felt like just another stab in the heart. Time was moving so fast but at the same time so slow. I made bets in my mind for whoever was out there listening that I would give anything to make her healthy. Every morning I woke up and felt her kicks I felt so relieved I had one more day with her but at the same time, it was one more day of waiting for her to pass and know she was in pain.

My Pregnancy

It was pretty awful but I tried my best to put my happy face on because it was supposed to be the happiest time of my life, right?

The first month or so was good, slow but good. My 21st Birthday went by but I didn’t really care because I wasn’t much of a drinker. We had to do minor renovations to our townhome before we could move in and I got out of most of it because I was pregnant, thanks Adam, Mom, and Grandpa. We announced the pregnancy on Facebook on October 10, 2014 at 10 weeks. We had an overwhelming amount of nice comments that made everything feel ever more perfect.

Side Note:

In my perfect little world, getting pregnant means you get a healthy baby, I never understood why people waited until 12 weeks to post their pregnancy. And after loss, this unspoken rule is STUPID. Waiting 12 weeks means nothing! Sorry to be Debbie Downer but 12 weeks is not some magic number that means your baby is suddenly healthy and I think making people think this is ridiculous. My opinion, POST AND TELL WHOEVER WHENEVER YOU WANT! My next pregnancy I will definitely announce prior to 12 weeks, not sure when the perfect time is, but I’ll just feel it and BOOM post it. I have read many stories on people getting pregnant after loss and not choosing to share until way late in the pregnancy, and that’s cool if that’s what you want to do, but I would rather share my joy early and if it does end in a loss, share that with everyone. I would want everyone to know why all I want to do is stay in bed and cry, it all completely normal and healthy so to hide it and try to keep a loss a secret and move on just wouldn’t work for me.

Once posted it felt like all the sudden everyone was pregnant and it was the greatest thing in the world! My best friend was pregnant, a family friend was pregnant and due the same day (how crazy), a childhood friend was pregnant with Adams best friend, Adams cousin was expecting, and a few long lost friends on Facebook announced they were pregnant. I thought it was the coolest thing ever!

In early October I started experiencing extreme “Morning” sickness, mine was more like 24/7 sickness. Name any store, I have probably thrown up in it ha. It was awful, I lost about 15 pounds in my pregnancy due to the amount I was throwing up. It felt like I couldn’t keep anything down. Vernor’s Ginger Ale, saltine crackers, preggie pops, ginger candy, and yellow Gatorade became my diet. And of course Adam was amazing, it didn’t matter what he was doing, if I was throwing up, he would drop everything (including his xbox controller and headset) to rub my back or hold my hair. The whole time I just thought it was part of being pregnant but talking to my other pregnant buddies they were up 15 or more pounds and only occasionally throwing up. I was so frustrated with being sick but I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. We later found out that I was so sick because Riley was taking EVERYTHING out of me to try to form everything and make herself whole and healthy. I would have given the rest of my life to morning sickness if it meant we could have her here and healthy.

At this point we have had about 2 appointments and everything seemed to be going well. At our second appointment they were not planning on doing an ultrasound, they just used the Doppler to listen for her heart beat. After about 10 minutes or searching my abdomen there was no heart beat to be found. They sent us back to the waiting room to have an ultrasound. The wait seemed like forever, I began thinking that this was it, these few weeks of pure joy were about to be crushed, I tried to hold it together as I texted my Mom telling her what was going on. She let me know I needed to calm down and not worry because everything was going to be alright. Once we finally got back to an ultrasound they immediately found the heart beat and everything looked fine. I was so relieved! When we got out of the appointment I sat in the car and finally caught my breathe. I remember thinking how awful of a feeling that was. I felt so lucky that I was getting to leave that office with a still healthy baby and how not everyone gets the same good news we just got. I was so thankful.

Our next appointment was the day before Thanksgiving 2014 and it was out gender scan! My guess was a girl, but Adam and everyone else seemed to think a boy.

IT WAS A GIRL!

I was so over the moon happy. I have dreamed of having a daughter ever since I was a little girl. I have had so many dreams of dancing around the house screaming words to some Madonna pop song with a little mini-me named Riley since I could remember. I was finally going to get that.

When we met with the doctor after, he explained that they couldn’t get a clear shot of her abdomen but that wasn’t anything to be concerned of. It just meant she was in a weird position and that we were so lucky because we got to have another ultrasound at our next appointment when most people don’t get another look at their baby until they are born. This might sound like something that would cause alarm now that I look back, but at the time I was just so excited to be having a girl and that we would get to see her again, that I really didn’t hear anything else.

Our next appointment was on Christmas Eve. Once again, that seemed like a really good idea because I was so excited to get to share more baby news and pictures with everyone over the holidays especially with my brother flying in for a couple weeks.

I brought my Mom with me to this appointment because she was more concerned about what happened at my last appointment but I was still in “everything is perfect land” so I was excited for her to get to see another ultrasound. My ultrasound seemed longer than usual but I thought she was just trying to get a good picture of the abdomen. She then said that she still couldn’t get a good picture so she was going to refer us to a different center that had a better ultrasound machine so they could get a good picture.

Once again, we saw the doctor after and he mentioned me having a low amniotic fluid and that was the reason they were unable to get a good picture. They gave us the number for the new Doctor and we left. Right when we got in the car I crumbled into tears.  I felt like a low amniotic fluid was a direct reflection of me not drinking enough water and taking care of myself. If I couldn’t take care of a child in my womb how was I ever going to be a good mother once they were here?

My mom called the new Doctor and explained our situation and how we wanted to be in as soon as possible to find out what was going on and what we needed to do, they called back and let us know we could come immediately.

I had no clue what was about to happen.

History

In my short life I have been faced with various obstacles, like everyone else. But here is a brief history and my quick life story.

October 17, 1993 I was born in Los Gatos, CA. I had a married Mother and Father, my Dad is a cop, so it’s pretty rare to see him just chill, and my Mom has always been the most amazing stay at home Mom until I was about 11 years old where she has worked various office jobs all within a school system, and  a brother that is about 6 years older than me and who I have always thought was the coolest person on the planet since he is so care free while I am always uptight and to top things off he is now a super cool tattoo artist outside of Seattle, WA.

Not really sure when but when I was super young we moved more up North by Sacramento, CA and we stayed there until I decided to move to Eastern NC (more on that later)

I was raised in a pretty typical white American family. My Dad had a nice job so we always had everything we asked for with minor problems along the way.

My Mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer when I was around 10 years old and although I didn’t understand the whole concept of it, it required me to grow up very fast, as my brother moved away from college and wasn’t seen too often, and my Mom became my Dad’s #1 priority, which is all understandable now that I am an adult but at the age of 10 made me a very jealous and bitter person towards my parents, anyone who tried to help, friends, family, basically anything with a heart beat. But that eventually all went away once I decided to get over myself. My Mom had multiple procedures and I am happy to say she is about 11 years cancer free and we couldn’t be happier!

In August of 2010 my parents were going through tough times but it wasn’t anything I worried my awesome little teenage brain with until they suddenly decided to split, over reasons I’m really done talking about sooooo moving on!

Back up to about April 2010 I got out of  a relationship and like any typical teenage girl, couldn’t survive without a guy, I soon started flirting with this guy named Adam in my Junior English class, we have been sorta friends since Freshman year, well we started dating in June of 2010 and have done pretty much everything together since then. He is my true dream come true, he was there when my parents split, trust me he saw pretty much the ugliest side of me then, we were Prom King and Queen, graduated high school together, went to college together, moved across the country together, bought a house together, created a child together, lost a child together, and got married.  It’s been crazy.

So pretty much, my Mom moved to Eastern NC to be with family and Adam and I decided to come with.

So now we are here.