Unfortunately depression has somehow been a part of my life ever since I was around 10, luckily my parents and family have always been understanding with the matter and totally supportive of seeking outside help.
I had a pretty bad case of depression my Senior year of high school and tried many anti depressants and felt that they were just making me feel numb so believe it or not at the age of 16 I was prescribed xanax and not just some xanax, I was prescribed a huge 90 day bottle that said I could take up to 3 a day whenever I felt the need and I was given complete freedom to decide when that was. What was even crazier was I never abused them. I found them completely useful and enjoyed the control I had to take something whenever I felt a little blue and it perked me right up. Once I got into college I felt like I could handle problems a lot better so I stopped taking the prescription and haven’t had that much of an issue with depression since.
I find myself needing to fight 10x harder to beat depression now.
I went to a random OB/GYN 2 weeks after Riley passed because I never wanted to walk back into the office that handled her care. Adam and my Mom had to go back to work so essentially this was my first day out of my house in about 4 weeks and it was by myself, I should have been more adamant that someone go with me but it was time for life to move on considering it was going on with or without me.
At the appointment I had to explain to the nurse why I was there and give her a form that the doctor that delivered Riley requested to have sent back, on the form it included a urine sample and an all over exam, I anxiously waited for the doctor and when she came in she was all dolled up with huge blonde curls, it was just another reminder of how awful I looked at the time. She sat down and asked how I was doing and I immediately broke down. I was miserable. With everyone back at work it felt like they were ready to move on and I just wanted everyone to stop everything they were doing and be as mad and upset as I was. I went on to tell her how incredibly hard it has been to get over her not being here and after it all she said “I know it probably sucks but all I can do is give you happy pills if you want them.” I knew in an instant that I could either climb down deep into this hole of sadness and depression or I could fight it. So I told her no, dried my tears, left the office, got in my car, and called Adam bawling in pain from my emptiness but also my disgust with what I was told by the doctor and how she didn’t do anything the form said. I cried and cried to Adam telling him he had to come home but he kept reminding me that he couldn’t because it was time for him to be back at work and we had a house payment to be made along with many medical bills headed our way so I drove home.
I’m not really sure if their was one specific moment but I do remember one afternoon I told Adam I was leaving to run to the store, when really I was just going for a drive so I could turn my music up and scream and cry as loud as I wanted to, and after I was done with my initial cry I realized that losing Riley only hurt because of how much love and how many dreams I had planned for her. As hard as all the emotions were to feel I realized that these were emotions Riley would never get to see or feel and how lucky I was to love something so much that it could cause this much pain. Suddenly everything became more beautiful and I decided I was going to take in every ounce of pain, grief, sorrow, joy, fear, laughter that came along with Riley passing because it was meant to be felt and trying to hide it or deny the time it took to feel all the stages of grief would be wrong, my healing would forever stay where it was at and I would slap a piece of tape and fake smile over the situation and live the rest of my life a lie.
Pain has turned into beauty for me. I feel it took me looking at the worst parts of my pregnancy and the death of Riley to remember and really enjoy all the amazing parts about her life and the continuous gifts I still get from her.
Don’t get me wrong I still have random days where pretty much the second my eyes open in the morning I know it’s a day where I’m really depressed but almost every time that happens I accept it and have a bad day. I cry, eat all the chocolate in a 30 mile radius, hold Rileys bear, look at all her ultrasounds and my pregnancy pictures, ask Adam ten million times if he misses Riley and if he’s excited for another baby, ignore everyone’s calls or texts, stay in bed, make up an excuse to get takeout for dinner, and then I go to sleep and wake up feeling great. The times I try to shove my depression in the corner is when it hits me a few hours later while I’m in Target and I see a trigger, which really could be anything, and either have a breakdown in the bathroom or my car and then I feel defeated and I feel like my depression lingers for days or weeks.
This method has really worked for me and has helped me stay in a positive state of mind.
More recently my depression has been centered around the idea of it being like this forever. I will forever wonder what type of person she will be. I will forever wish I just had one more day. I will forever wish I didn’t have to learn to cope with depression so intensely. I get really upset thinking one day I could be 90 years old looking at a Christmas tree reminiscing on Adam and I decorating our first tree together with my big belly filled with a healthy Riley sharing how excited we were to have a baby join us in the holiday festivities the next year and how every holiday and day will be a little dark and dim since she never got to be here. How there will always be a little hole in my heart that will feel like something is missing that can never be filled until I am taken from this world and reunited with her.